my stupid little diary

this is my diary page! i add short entries every now and then, consisting of what i've been thinking, feeling, or watching. they'll probably only end up being for me, but it'd be lovely if you want to read them to!! they'll never get too intense, but minor tw// for very very occasional references to ocd and general unpleasant things some people don't wanna read about :)) enjoy, new friend!!

entries

21.06.20 occasionally when im upset or generally just feeling any kind of emotion, it makes me think of how i used to be when i was younger. now, this may be a little hard to explain in text form, but i'll try and put it to words as best i can. when i was younger, i was a complete psychopath, or perhaps the word is sociopath, i'm not sure. all i know is i was missing a large chunk of my emotional spectrum. no empathy, no guilt, no fear or selflessness. i used to kill insects for the joy of it. if i'd had access to bigger creatures, i dread to think what i would've done. i used to jump on my friends and sit on them even when they told me they couldn't breathe. i could feel things like happiness, and sadness, but i could turn it all off like a tap if i wanted to and just... feel nothing. go numb. now, this all sounds completely unbelievable. the girl i was then doesn't exist within me anymore, as you should know. i don't remember the precise time i started feeling normally, when i started hating gore as i do now and feeling almost physical responses to other people's suffering, but it's odd to me. that a person can change like that in just a few years. first that columbine thing, now this, you must think i'm mad. perhaps i am a little.

19.06.20 sometimes i wish tumblr was a country, and that i could move there. the complete love and acceptance of things that the normal world doesn't understand is so beautiful. perhaps this is just my silly late night brain talking, but the concept of a little island where people can use emojis as pronouns and not get laughed at, and kin abstract things without being made fun of, is delightful. i'm a strong believer that people can see themselves however they want, and to disrespect that is repulsive, and just to go somewhere full of people that agree with that sentiment is such a lovely idea.

07.06.20 my girlfriend broke up with me. apparently i wasn't affectionate enough, and i was putting too much pressure on her to initiate the hand-holding. i'm caught between wallowing in self pity and excusing myself from schoolwork for the day because i'm upset, convincing myself that i didn't really like her that much anyway and only liked the concept of being loved, and feeling desperate to do something in the vain of self-improvement, perhaps a little out of spite. i hope i can still remain friends with her, not because i really want to, but because i've told her some things about myself that i don't let just anybody hear about, and as you all know, the fae like to keep their secrets. now, excuse me while i retreat to one of my brainworlds to forget the fact i feel like unlovable fire kindling at the moment.

29.05.20 every day i spend in this stupid world makes me want to go back and join the fae. no, that's not true, really. i love some parts of it. i love most people. i love pretty girls, and music, and the view from my hometown where all the seas and hills and trees and fields and houses kind of pile on top of each other. it just seems i can't read any news or go online without seeing that a tyrannus leader has threatened the people he's supposed to make a better world for just for standing up for what they believe, or somebody has died in some horrible and unjust way, or something else equally ghastly.

28.05.20 can i tell you a little secret? about why i made this blog in the first place? i can't tell anybody else, they wouldn't get it. it would probably worry them, and i understand it, but hear me out. i've been watching and reading a lot of true crime as of late. in fact, i've always found it fascinating. why people do awful things, how they do them, and what fatal mistake or oversight gave them away in the end. my absolute favourite things to read up on are things they wrote themselves. by extension, im just as interested in the people who idolise them, who want more than anything to romance or befriend a cold-hearted killer. that's how, a few days ago, i started reading through a neocities blogs by that columbine girl. bad as it sounds, it's how i found neocities in the first place, and what made me decide i wanted to make my own. i don't agree with, or respect her beliefs, but it made me think about how, even though she's dead now, she still has a permanent imprint on the internet. a way for strangers like me to read her innermost thoughts, stumble upon a site by accident and end up in somebody else's mind. perhaps it's horrible for me to draw inspiration from people with such evil, warped perceptions on everything, but i did, and now i'm here. telling all this to you. it's strange how it all happens.

27.05.20 my first entry on here, this is a milestone, i suppose. should i tell you a little about myself? i'm a fae. i don't know how, or why, or in what way, i just am. it's a part of me. i'm a lesbian. i love old sci-fi comedies i'm in the wrong generation to like, mythology, drawing, writing, singing, playing instruments (any with strings!!), indie music, and the colour pink. i value love, and being loved. i won't tell you my name, as something i learnt from the fae is that to give away your name is to give away yourself, but you may call me cherry. i won't tell you my age either, simply because it isn't important, and changes far too often. i have a girlfriend, and if i include her, four people i would consider best friends as of today. none of them know about this blog, and none of them ever will. i'd like to think that by reading what i'm typing right now, you are swearing an oath to keep it to yourself, as my close confidant. simply by consuming what i have to say you will gain enough of an understanding of me that i'd consider you a close ally, and the fae do not form allies easily. if you've come here simply to laugh at me and what i am, i hope you enjoy your stay. i'm glad you're appreciating my blog to some degree. if you are here as a friend, however, i dearly hope that you enjoy it far more.